Porn Invented the Internet

23 10 2009

If you boil down all of the controversy over Social Media, where you land is that Social Media isn’t the culprit, it’s the Internet — an accountability-free, information cluster-fuck of ultimate free speech, free information and no laws. Kind of like the Wild West.

The big difference between the Internet and the Wild West, however, is that the Internet has no boundaries — it can expand into the infinity of space for ever and ever. So, if you try to put regulations into place to control content, content will just go somewhere else.

This, as you can imagine, drives corporations crazy. How will they be able to control their brand in a space which has no boundaries?

Let’s reminisce on a couple key points which I think might help ease this extreme burden you feel when you start to contemplate the un-comtemplatable. Let’s remember the invent of the Internet. Thanks Al Gore, but it actually wasn’t you who did it. It was the Porn Industry. In their attempt to fulfill a very lucrative need to push out their content to a very wanting yet secretive audience, they were forced to be innovative. The porn industry has historically always pushed the limits with Freedom of Speech, the law, and religious limitations. So what better place to hide – where there is no law – than the Internet.

Arguably, in all cases of moving an industry from the movie stores to the Web, you lose control over content. Sites like YouPorn come into existence and low and behold “amateurs” can now post pornography for free! Granted you lose some of the integrity of the professionally written porn scripts, but free is a great price to pay if you just want some porn.

Porn revolutionized the Internet. It proved that all content, regardless of how morally degrading, crude or illegal in modern standards it might be; will always have a home in the boundless glory of the web.

So using this as a basis, let’s remember that there are lot’s of people spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to put regulations on it. Kind of like drawing a border around heaven. You have to realize that if there is something you don’t want someone to know, like teaching abstinence in Sex Ed – where there’s a will, there’s a way.

So that brings me to Facebook:
Facebook makes you sign your weblife away as you sign up for an account. Whilst signing your life away, you give up rights to all the photos you post; rights to anything you write; rights to use and sell your personal information to anyone who asks. Yes, this is a frightening realization, which I hope all my readers are already aware of, if not, here you go:

But again, let’s back track to the inception of Facebook and dissect what it really is. Facebook was, is and every will be a way to keep in touch with people you know. So. That being said, the user is the one who needs to set personal parameters for how you want that to work. Do the research on how to set up privacy settings for your profile, if you’re too lazy than here you go:

(Sorry for e-troducing you to Larry…)

If you are a corporate marketer using Facebook, than you should know that Facebook was never intended to be about you. It was always about the user. At some point, some smart guy with a big pay check realized that there is a massive opportunity to “reach your audience where they are already engaging” — the ultimate dream of any advertiser. That is the only reason you have been invited to the table. Back in the day, advertisers had to be awfully clever on getting their brand mentioned in their consumers’ everyday conversations. Now, they get to literally put themselves in that conversation feet first and see what happens. Is it working? Maybe, but if you think about it, those conversations still aren’t about you. Your consumers’ primary interest is still just chatting with their friends.

Exploitation of your invitation to the table is why MySpace died. There were no “friends” left. And this is ultimately why Facebook will live or die. If it ever is completely saturated with invasive marketing and users can’t stand to be on it anymore because the header and status updates become pop-up ads and their pictures show up on billboards. If this happens, we will all pick up our profiles and go somewhere else. Friendster perhaps? Be nice to Facebook, and it will be nice in return.

On Privacy Issues:
Someone told me that he believes that the content posted on his profile is sold to the government for their sneaky uses, whatever those may be. So I’ll say this, and I’ll say it loud. The “government”, hackers, sneaky people seeking secret information ARE GOING TO GET IT IF YOU ARE ON FACEBOOK OR NOT. You are not exempt from being stalked if you opt out of Facebook as a part of your life. If you email and use the Internet on a daily basis and are not careful, anyone can find anything they want about you, nice package with a bow, or not.

The Internet is a huge wild wild-Will-Smith West unknown — so let’s talk like adults here. Stop being idiots and posting pictures of your kids! Stop saving your passwords in your gmail account. Stop signing Terms of Agreements without reading them. Take the time to protect your personal lives or don’t post anything at all. It’s the only way you can protect yourself. And if you choose not to do those simple things, than god save you, but stop blaming the medium. There will always be something else. Facebook will come and go. But the Internet will always be free and Porn will ALWAYS exist.

My Opinion:
I realize my opinion is probably the weakest part of this argument, but here it is anyway. I think that Facebook is right on with making ambiguous, CYA privacy policies that only address surface issues of their corporate sponsors. The user who signs up for Facebook basically takes an oath to do the leg work and learn the program, understand it, and use it to benefit them. So for all those users out there who joined Facebook because you heard all the buzz and wanted to feel included, or your company made you, or your highschool friends peer pressured you. Shame on you. Just like my dive instructor said, you shouldn’t do it for any other reason than because you want to. It is not Facebook’s responsibility to teach you how to use it. And even more so, it is not the marketers’ responsibility to make sure you are smart about what you post. The user is always responsible for their own decisions in every aspect of the world, in Social Media/Networking, it is solely your responsibility to do the same. I don’t have privacy fears because I don’t have anything to hide. I don’t trust anyone, and therefore, I trust everything because I set my own parameters. I don’t accept friendships with people I don’t know. And neither should you.

Additional Resources:
Here’s some of the controversy behind the medium.
Social Media success is arguable, but here’s something someone very smart put together, probably to persuade their company to sign up for a Facebook account: )

Advertisements




My Fake Teeth

24 09 2009

When I was in 3rd grade, around the time the other kids were sporting jack-o-lantern smiles, I was informed that I did not have all of my adult teeth. In fact, I was missing four. This was really no big deal at the time, because everyone my age was missing one here or there. I also proudly repped a lovely gap between my two front teeth, which I could shove a straw in – which was cool.

The dentist told me that he had to pull those baby teeth – the incisors  –  so that he could straighten my smile and put me in braces for 8 years. I vaguely remember this. More than anything I remember these bright neon  t-shirts that had a dinosaur with braces on them. All the patients got one, and so my sister, who was enjoying her full-braced, frizzy hair 80’s adolescence at the time, and I wore them, of course on different days. When I received my full mouth of braces, I changed the colors seasonally and got these cute little fake teeth put in the place of the holes that would never come in. They just kind of  hung on those braces, like a bite from an apple. Since I was lucky enough to wear braces from 3rd grade to 10th grade, I didn’t even notice. But of course, all good things must come to an end, and the day I got those bad boys off I understood that I truly did have two holes in my smile. I cried when I got my braces off. At this point, it was no longer acceptable to be missing teeth – I was in high school for gods sake. The orthodontist tried to ease my sadness with a retainer that I could flip out of my mouth, holding on to two little kernels of corn.

That’s when Dr. Hoedt came along. A basketball friend’s dentist dad somehow got wind of my situation and offered to make me temporary bridges – something a little more permanent than a flipper retainer and would fill the gaps until I could get adult implants. Thus he installed the bridges prefacing it by saying that they were only meant to last a year or two. They were attached to each neighboring tooth and looked relatively real, (at least that’s what all you nice folks said). Eight years later, they finally started to fall apart, as if telling me it was time to get serious and grow up.

They call my condition ‘congenitally missing teeth’ (CMT) aka I got the short end of the oral gene stick in my family. But now, as an adult, I’ve come to have an affinity for my congenitally missing teeth. They are my quirk; my weird thing that you would never know about me unless you too had congenitally missing teeth, in which case you would know what to look for in others’ dental composition.

Monday, I finally had my temporary/permanent bridges removed and Tuesday, I had my dental implants installed. It’s not a very short description when trying to explain A. why I look like a chipmunk, B. why I retainernow have an Invisalign retainer with two pieces of wax posing as teeth for the next six months while the implants heal (ahh how technology has evolved) and C. that no, my implants are in my mouth.

History of Dental Implants: I’m pretty sure the guy on the Clear Choice billboard that hovers over Broadway and 5th (Denver) sums it up:

This is seriously on a billboard on 5th and Broadway.

This is seriously on a billboard for ClearChoice.

It’s also become a running joke in the office, too. I had this put on my desk the other day.

Thanks Tasha!

Thanks Tasha!

This sign was hanging out in the warehouse were we get our signage done – my friend took a pic and printed it for me. Always on my mind, she says.

It’s also been referenced in meetings – I was comparing a short term, piecemeal solution to a long term, off-the-shelf, ever customizable solution for e-marketing. I said, it’s like bridges are to implants. Bridges may be quick to get and look great for 15-20 years, but your definitely going to have to get them redone, where implants last forever – in fact, they’ll out last me.

Bridges are to Implants, as Exact Target is to Eloqua:
As I’ve been working on my business, trying to define what Claire Blue Ideas is and what it’s all about, I keep hitting the same wall. By trying to brand my sole proprietorship, I am essentially trying to brand myself. Am I a digital marketer or a writer? What do I want potential clients to know about me and my capabilities? Do I market my personality or my portfolio? Can I do both separately or together? What about my interest in writing outdoor adventure editorials? How does that fit into the mix. And this blog, The Weekend Warrior – well, originally it was just supposed to be about adventure sports. But my job as a marketing consultant is such a big part of my everyday life, how could I possibly exclude it from my blog?  So then, should I have three separate blogs? One on adventure sports, one portfolio and one about digital marketing? Finally, how do you define the umbrella in which Claire fits under?

Going through a branding exercise for me and my business has been bogging me down, and even depressing me a bit. I am like a disjointedness pie chart – there are too many pieces and I don’t know which is my X or Y axis. And to be perfectly honest, my audience is really just the people that know me. My loyal readers. You guys. And you guys read my blog for probably no other reason than because I pester you with Facebook updates and emails. Yet you email me, respond and comment and tell me something was funny or confusing or misspelled. And you do it almost every single time I write. And I think, wow, maybe it doesn’t matter that the name of this blog is almost completely irrelevant to its content. Maybe it should just be my name, because truly, my readers are really just my friends of past and present, co-workers and colleagues, family and the occasional Google searcher who randomly typed a keyword that I randomly matched my metadata.

So doesn’t it make sense that my brand be something that is wholly me? Something that has been with me from the beginning? The one thing that has been an ongoing source of humor, contention and wierd stories from the start? My brand is really just the foundation of who I am – a congenitally toothless girl.

The implant surgery that I had on Tuesday signifies an end of an era. My removeable teeth will soon be a thing of the past; I’ll completely forget about all of the retainers and braces and off-colored porcelain and denture picks and threaded dental floss. In six months, I’ll be able to floss straight up and down for the first time ever. But even though those implants will look and feel real and will last forever — we will all know that they are still just my fake teeth.

If Demi Moore can do it, so can I! I'll just spare you the photo!

Thanks Demi, for liberating all the CMT's out there to take out their retainers and smile! http://smartsexyrichcrazy.com/tag/demi-moore-fake-teeth/





Defining The Backend

14 09 2009

As a digital marketer, I am constantly faced with the challenge of explaining what the hell that even means. It’s like, people’s eyes get huge the moment you utter the word Digital or some three-letter acronym (TLA) associated with the trade. Sometimes, when I meet a fellow digital person, I get so excited speaking my native tongue, that I forget all about how completely ridiculous it sounds. “Well, you could build a custom CMS, but WordPress might be even better because of its high organic SEO.” Ateewhattee?

That is the inherent challenge of being anything technical. Remember the IT guy from SNL? That old solution of turn-off-your-computer doesn’t solve anything on the world of the interwebs. I have finally faced the ultimate challenge in being a digital. Explaining TLAs doesn’t even hold a candle to trying to redefine E-Marketing with a buzz-word heavy term like Lead Nurturing or User Experience. Not to mention introducing a new, fairly complex software like Eloqua.

It’s not Eloqua and what it does; lead nurturing and why it’s important; email marketing and why it’s (arguably) ineffective; or how it all ties together, that’s the challenge. It’s coming up with a high enough-level explanation of all of these in a visual way.

Last year during budgets I found myself inventing new terms to explain digital terms over and over. Not because I’m a bad communicator; I think it was because the message wasn’t memorable enough to executives all with vastly diverse backgrounds and their own set of buzz words to keep straight.
I’m a DigiBaby. My memory has always been immensely integrated with computers: instant messenger, text, Napster and Facebook (Myspace, Friendster, whatever). There’s no doubt that my brain functions at an entirely different level than the executives I work with. So naturally, when they see a line item that says “Social Media” a glazed look of WTF falls over and a continuous cycle of explaining occurs. “It’s not just Facebook, it’s a continuous conversation with your consumers online.”

So when the challenge arose to take a deeper look at how digital marketing integrates and affects every aspect of overall marketing, I in turn, felt that sense of WTF.

That’s when the white papers began, (they have pretty graphs). I worked with Effective UI (new website!) at the beginning of this gradual slope, who I regard as having the toughest job of any of us in the digital marketing space. They have to explain what UI is after someone sees it in their name. What a challenge to overcome! And then you get down to the core of their mission, the User Experience — which isn’t even abbreviated as such — so have fun with that one. BTW, I’ve stopped using the acronym UX in general because of the complete disconnect I see when I say or especially write it. I think people think it’s a computer processor or something, like the way people react to letters at the end of a software version. CS4? WTF!

The sequence of planting the seed with white papers went as follows:
I. White paper from Eloqua explaining the pipeline, how it’s changed, and how Eloqua + Salesforce “close the loop”. Spent about a month using the term “close the loop” until it became an internal term. Success.
II. White paper explaining UX (User Experience). Tried to integrate this term internally, but it never stuck. It has since morphed into the Consumer Experience with Our Brand and finally into a module called the Concierge. Not bad, because the end result is the same. The hardest part is convincing that we need some research to support that experience. Overall, I’d call this a Success.
III. Strategy meeting bringing up whitepaper No. 1. It ended with, “Why can’t you do this manually?” Fail.
IV. Flow chart in Excel. Breaking out each touch point of communication in an excel document. This got the UX look.
V. Flow chart in Word. I added colors this time, so you could see how the leads (type of prospects, etc.) would go through different types of communication paths as they experience the sales cycle. Again, this didn’t resonate with the team. I think there were too many unknowns, such as the bubble that says “Dramatic Re-engagement with the Brand.” I think this also failed because there is an entire front end component to this that isn’t represented, which in turn distracted my highly visual team.
VI. White paper on a progressive form. This helped a little with saying that a form doesn’t have to be a form; it could a mechanism that extracts information on the user based off of their behavior with the online environment. We got a little closer with this concept, because at the end of the day, it sounds pretty neat.
VII. Powerpoint Presentation explaining what each type of prospect is and how we should communicate differently with them. This exercise actually might have brought us back about three steps. I think defining the different prospects may need to occur after you define the optimal end user experience.
VIII. Six months go by and the name Eloqua has been morphed into this term representing an end-all solution that will just feed personalized and relevant information to our users – automatically. I needed to change that thinking because Eloqua is ultimately just code and a fancy user interface. So I started calling it the “capture mechanism” – that magical piece of back end technology that will ensure that no lead falls through the cracks, ultimately “closing the loop”. Bam. It finally stuck, and not only did it stick it moved to the center of the bubble diagram, which held all of the other marketing objectives together. Big-time success. But still, this made it all too intangible. What does Capture really mean? It’s too spatial. And thus the ultimate digital marketing conundrum – how to you show someone a system that doesn’t tangibly exist outside of code? How do you show that there’s a digital component to even things that have zero online presence?
IX. This is how it was done. Matt Fajohn, Digital Strategist from FL-2, and I physically taped a wireframe to the conference table and walked everyone through the steps of how it would play out in the world.
To be honest, I don’t know if it achieved the ultimate goal of explaining the complexity of the integrated system; what it did do was show how something offline eventually will get put back online. My team could finally see what I’ve been talking about all this time. Success.

Digital marketing and all of its TLAs and buzzwords needs to get over itself. It is such an enormous part of all of our marketing efforts that it really needs to stop singling itself out. Digital marketing is no longer just a website; it’s not an email campaign; it’s not a database; it’s not a user interface; it’s not mobile web or an application or even software. It is ultimately the way a user interacts with a brand. Digital is supposed to make everyone’s life easier and disseminate free information for all. It’s about convenience, knowing that you can find what you want the moment you think about it. So if a brand is investing heavily in their digital presence, they better make sure that the end experience, no matter how complicated the backend is, is flawless, simple and completely integrated.





Intentional Forward Motion

10 09 2009

All of the sudden, as I was driving home from my very adult job, listening to KBCO which is a very adult station, I had this moment of “holy shit, I’m an adult.” It wasn’t brought on by any big decisions or life changing events. It was just, I think, a moment of “Oh crap, when did that happen?” Like when your kid is all the sudden taller than you. It was in that moment that I became accountable for every single thing that I do. I can no longer make flippant decisions because they now directly affect my bottom line. And when did I start saying things like that? My wealth, happiness, belongings, all of it are my own. My parents are now consultants, not bosses. I think they call all of this a quarter life crisis? Whatever it is, I dubbed that day as the start of “intentional forward motion.”

Since I’m not really sure how to intentionally move forward just yet, I thought I’d take a literal approach and pick up running. Today, I hit a plateau, which certainly wasn’t intentional.  I didn’t even realize it until I got back to the park and saw the clock above Ink! that I realized I had been running for more than an hour. By far the longest I have gone to date. And then I just wanted to keep on going. Something about the music on my iPod, and the smell of dirty diapers as I passed the trash cans that line Confluence Park, and the perfect almost fall air; it just felt so good. Docs tongue was practically touching the ground at this point, shaped like a full blown ping pong paddle. It was so nice and judgment free. It was just me and my dog. Silent for as long as I wanted. No distractions of beautiful mountain landscapes, other annoying bikers riding faster than me. No spandex shorts, no clif bars, no camel packs. Nothing but me, my aching knees and Docs paddle tongue.

It was nice. One might even say, addicting. I’ve heard about this – runners high I think they call it. They said watch out. They all said that. Oops.

This weekend I mountain biked in Salida. It was amazing, but I was also amazed at how much easier it felt given I’m probably in pretty good shape right about now. I hit that plateau often from biking, where I feel like I could bike all day. It doesn’t always happen, but every once in awhile, when I have just the right amount of energy and the temperature is just right, it happens to me and I could probably ride 25 miles. Is it possible that I can get that same satisfaction out of something I very openly disdain? (If you know me at all, you know that running has always been on my list of never gonna happens.)

So it all got me thinking. If all of this world is what I make of it, it only seems right that running could be a great fit into the balance. Or it could be just another huge distraction keeping me from my grandiose “bottom line” goals. Or it could be the next best thing, since it prompted me to come straight home and write this blog. Which at the end of the day — all of my forward intentions — end up here. With you. My blank WordPress, judgement free, canvas.





Let’s Stop Perpetuating this Culture of Gluttony

15 07 2009

I went out with the girls the other night and towards the end what seemed like a speed dating extravaganza, it became very apparent to all of us. All anyone cared about asking was what we did for a living. Not what do you do in your spare time? What kind of music do you listen to? What are you reading? How do you guys know each other? Nothing that might actually peer into the essence of who we were as individuals. It was as if our professions were the end-all measurement of our being. Yikes.

Get off your ass!

Pretty lady sitting on a diet.

It made me think about when I lived in Europe, with my senora, Concha. She woke up and went to work every morning and got home at about 2pm (in time for siesta), then went out with her friends and family, drank wine, socialized, shopped for the rest of her glorious day. Always back in time to make us dinner at 10 pm. I lived in her house for 6 months and never knew what exactly she did. Her life was defined by a totally different description. It didn’t matter how big her home was, or how much money she made. When I asked her once about her job, she just smiled and said she made money working for the government. She was the happiest woman I had ever met.

My dad (Mr. Corporate America) used to say that Europeans were lazy. No one ever works! And that, in a sense, is probably true. But maybe that’s just it. Maybe they got it right. We Americans are bred to believe that the only thing that defines us is our job. You are a lawyer. You are a Doctor. It’s not you are an outgoing athletic girl, who does marketing to make ends meet. We are bred to define every aspect of ourselves by how much shit we have.  How big our houses are. How big our wedding rings are. And we are bred to be divorced, obese and chronically unhappy.

Today, we Americans pay at least 45% of our earnings away in taxes when you include sales tax, social security (which we’ll never see), income, etc. etc. We are working to support a system that supports everyone else. In socialist countries, like Spain, they are at least up front about it. But in Spain, people also get a mandatory month off in August. Six hour work days. A country-wide nap time. They never bring their work home with them. In fact, they never even talk about work. They are defined by their family name, not their profession.

But I couldn’t live in Spain. And I’m also not a socialist. I certainly don’t want to support lazy bottom feeders, people that refuse to take care of themselves, people who have 18 kids on welfare, and I don’t want to continue to support everyone’s unwillingness to change. I’m an American and I want to support myself.

It isn’t just the workforce that this culture of excess seeps into, either. It’s in every aspect of your lives. Marriage: people do everything they do in the dating world to eventually get married (and support the commercial wedding industry). And society feeds off of it. Once you’re married, you get a tax break and shared health care benefits, not to mention all the crap you get from your wedding. If you never get married or have kids, you get nothing but the label of sad and single. Self employment: so you work to break the mold and work for yourself. Welcome to insanely poor health care benefits unless you pay $300 a month, 15% in Social Security taxes, zero tax breaks, audit city, no paid vacation, and near impossibility to save a dime.  Vacation: so you do work a steady job and you get a finite number of vacation days. You are forced to take them by a certain time or all that hard earned time off goes to the waste side. But it looks bad if you take those days at too much consistency or all at once. So are you truly encouraged to take time off or is it just another ploy to keep you working far over what you’re paid?

Retirement. That is the American dream. And it’s not because of all the shit you can buy. It’s because deep down, everyone’s ultimate goal is to not work. Even if you happily conform to the system for your entire life, you are only doing it to finally be able to have your time to yourself. And then you have the media saying over and over; Life is short. If life is so short, why do you have to spend 40 working years to obtain your dream? It seems like such a waste of your good time. We should retire first and then work when we’re old.

In this economy, change and restructuring are the two hottest things on the market. But are we really changing or just looking for new ways to facilitate our old habits? What if we truly did change, and found new ways to live comfortably without excess? Balance work and life. Stop conforming to what everyone else wants. Stop getting married so fricking young and buying ridiculous rings you can’t afford? Stop buying crap you don’t need and start going on more vacations. Right now we’re on a country-wide diet. But the key to any diet is sustainability.





Independence Day: Silencing Social Media

1 07 2009

Are we only 140-characters deep?

After spending way too much time on LinkedIn looking through empty job postings and reading everyone’s “expert” opinion about social media, and partially influenced by exhaustion from MJ Faked It blog postings — I’ve decided, I’m throwing in the towel. In 48 hours, I’m turning it all off. My Blackberry, my Facebook page, my Twitter feeds, my LinkedIn updates, my Outlook, G-Chat, Adium, texting, smoke signals. All of it. I know, most of you are probably running around screaming in hysterics about why I would be so insane. But the decision has been made.

The other day, I was with a group of friends that I am constantly emailing, g-chatting, facebooking, twittering with all day, everyday. We were having drinks and I swear we had nothing to say to each other. I already knew everything that happened to them that week, the week before, the week before that. I saw every picture, I read every thought, I followed every link; I knew it all before it even happened. So we sat with our cold tasty beverages, on a beautiful sunny day, in silence.

“Oh, did you know that I just launched a blog for…” “Yeah, I read that on your LinkedIn updates.” “Oh, did you hear that Jeff Goldblum died?” “Yeah, about a ba-zillion times.” “Oh did you see that Jenn is dating Brad?” “Yeah, it was in my Twitter feed.”

I started thinking about it. Yes, I am obsessed with all of my Internet time wasters. I love Facebook because I can see what people are up to. I love Twitter because I can see what new marketing efforts are hot right now. I love LinkedIn because I can see find new companies and read rumblings in my industry. But I can’t help but wonder if access to all of these conversation tools are making us too transparent as people.

A lady that I work with brought up the Farrah Fawcett biography on NBC. She felt that, though the story had some empathetic value, deep down, it was really just about entertainment. Her point “Are our most private experiences, like dying, too public?” Are we now just exploiting ourselves?

As a writer, my life experiences have always been the meat of my stories. I have always believed that self-exploitation could help others by passing my hard earned lessons on. But is anyone listening to others’ lessons anymore? Or are we just posting.

Was the Farrah Biography helpful to her, by giving her a way to release the anguish of her struggle and to say goodbye to her fans? Did it give her a sense of liberation from the disease? Did those that watched and cried learn a lesson about dying and feel less alone about a similar experience that they had, or are having or know someone who has had? Or did they just watch to fulfill some detached sensation of sadness?

I suppose social networking for me is a surface outlet in hopes to gain some sort of popularity. But at the crux of it all, it’s really just a way to exploit my life in hopes to gain recognition as a writer. To me, it’s a marketing tool to market myself. But what I’m struggling with is to whom am I marketing?

That’s why I’m turning it off. I’m taking a break in order that I can listen to my own head, instead of the flat, rectangular one that stares at me all day. The question is: At the end of the day, who do I want to listen to me and what do I want to tell them?





Learning to Walk, Vertically

26 06 2009

You know how when girls are learning a new sport, they always say, “I’m not doing this for my boyfriend, I’m doing it for myself,” but you know they are lying? Well, I’m going to skip that spiel and come out with it: I am only learning to rock climb for my boyfriend. Sure, there’s value in it for me, like these awesome guns I’m sculpting (yeah, I said guns), and getting over this debilitating fear of heights. But when you get down to it, I’m really learning to climb so that I’ll be able to see my obsessed bf on the weekends.

Here’s how it goes down:

Week one in the C-Gym, I thought I was the strongest woman alive. All the chicks wear these tight fitting work out shirts with their rippling back muscles hanging out – I thought I was one of them. Then, I got up on this 5.6 (which in ski-terms means a Green, or maybe the bunny hill). About 10 feet up, I freaked out, started crying and clutched to the wall like a sticky mouse trap. It wasn’t good.

As of today, I have been “climbing” for three months. I am on 5.10s at the gym (which equals a Black Diamond), and 5.7s and 5.8s, outside. I still can’t get much higher than 80 feet before the complete panic sets in, but you know, I get through it. They say the more you do it, the less scared you get. Not sure if that’s accurate, but I’ll take their word for it.

The thing about climbing is that it’s just like walking, but vertically, which I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to do. If we had suckers on our finger tips, I might feel differently, but hey, you know, we don’t. It’s not natural to be on a ledge (tied to a rope of course, Mom) and to walk backwards over this said ledge and be okay with it. Like, hey, just walk on backwards, never mind the 100ft drop below, the rope that is 1-inch in diameter will hold you.

I freak out about the rope, the harness, the bolt, the protection, the belayer. There are so many factors that have nothing to do with me that I have to trust with my life. But maybe that’s just it.

I climbed the 1st Flatiron in Boulder about a month ago. It’s like a steep walk on all fours, so death doesn’t feel as eminent. At the end, you have to free rappel – lower yourself by the rope, free hanging from the cliff. Fred went first and I broke down and sobbed the entire time he lowered himself leaving me at the top all alone. Then it was my turn. Normally, I would have frozen, cried, screamed and perhaps made him come back up to get me. But for some reason, on this particular day, I wiped my tears, turned around, and walked backwards over the cliff. I suggest you try it sometime.